R4P2D6 I’ll be honest I’m scared…

Door knocksLife is changing for me at the moment and I’m not sure I’m ready to embrace it just yet.. I feel that I’m on the cliff and nearly about to jump off into something wonderful but I’m holding myself back and I’m pissed off at myself for allowing me and my thoughts to not be of going forward, to not be allowing me to dream all the dreams I want to dream, to achieve what I want to achieve, for me to be holding onto a lifestyle that I no longer want and life that is changing and I’m trying to keep holding on to my old belief system.

Am I making any sense to anyone that is reading this?

Possibly not…

I’m scared of reaching my goals, of achieving what I want to achieve in life. I have a plan and I’m not completing it, why.. I’m scared…. Real scared.

I’m scared of not achieving it and being a failure, I’m scared of achieving it and thinking what next, I’m scared of not having to struggle anymore in every aspect, I’m scared that I will have to start living the life I want to live. I’m scared of what people will think of me, I’m scared of not living the life that everyone else lives, I’m scared.

I’m so stupid thinking like this… I know.

I’m self-sabotaging by not doing any blog posts, by not working on my new website and promoting it, by not writing the books I need to be writing, by no longer listening to Tony Robbins, by having a 5 day load and gaining 4.3kg this round (still not gone and it’s nearly a week), by making excuses for why I can’t do things… I’m holding back…

So firstly I think what I need to do is say I’m sorry… I’m to you my readers for slacking off, I’m sorry to my family for not getting my arse into gear and continuing with what my goals are, I’m sorry to myself for firstly creating the fear about my body changing, life changing, dreams being created. I’m sorry.

Secondly I think I need to discuss my fears and what I’m scared of –

I’m 2.9kg away from getting below 90kg the lightest I have been since I was a teenager. I met my partner 16 years ago when I was 18 and I was in mid-80’s.. Ever since I’ve been the fat girl, I hide behind the fat girl, being fat is easy, I can eat what I want, I don’t go out, I can hide at home and not see anyone… Being the skinny girl is new and it’s scary… I have always said when I get thin I will do… life will be… it’s a scary concept it’s a scary concept as what happens when I get skinny and my life still isn’t what I dream it will be?

What happens when I do eventually lose all the weight, how do I maintain, how does my life look, what are my clothes going to look like, how do I not gain it all back, am I ever going to eat again, what happens if I don’t get to my goal weight, what happens to the fat girl, how do I become the skinny girl, what happens if I do this and I still don’t achieve my goals and dreams, I’m going to lose my boobs, what happens if I get sagging skin?

It’s not just the weight like I said I’m trying to create a new life for myself and family, a different life to the one many live… I’ve got a plans, goals and dreams and it’s all at a standstill, why… because I’m scared.

So what do I do to step over that cliff and never look back? I’m not too sure just yet.. possibly getting below that 90kg, possibly seeing some success in another area of my life but I do know that I need a good kick and to carry on doing what I have been doing, try not to think of what the future is going to be for now and just do it.. day by day… blog post by blog post, page by page, promotion by promotion and hopefully just like the weight slowly melting off the other areas of my life will click into place and I will no longer be scared…

Well I hope so anyway and that’s the plan for now as I know no other…

Menu today:

Breakfast – BP coffee

Lunch – Spiralized cucumber noodles with balsamic dressing followed by cottage cheese and strawberry ice-cream

Dinner – Roasted asparagus with mini roasted meat balls

Dessert – Apples with cinnamon and chocolate.

Pretty good day food wise! P2 Chocolate and Ice-Cream

P.S if you’re in NZ and want to start your own journey I’m now selling the HCG drops that I use – HCG Diet NZ

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