P2D18 – Clothes Shopping, It’s Not For Me…. Yet.

you can do this¬†Well today, I needed out of the house, needed some time out and so I spent the day at the shops… Looking through Op shops, supermarket and of course tried on some new clothes… Wish I didn’t.Gosh I’m so impatient… I’ve lost 8.7Kg/19 Pounds in 17 weigh-ins, I feel smaller and happier about my figure… But it’s just not good enough, yet… So to make myself feel that much better I thought surly since I’ve lost this weight a size 20 jeans I would be able to fit.. Pulled them off the shelf, went into the brightly lit, massive full length mirror of the changing rooms and do you think I could fit the jeans… That’s a big fat no… Plus the fact that I’m staring at my full body in a brightly lit, full length mirror didn’t make me any more happier.

This sucks, weight and being fat sucks. I had hoped for a miracle when I looked into that mirror, I really did, it’s stupid but I thought I’d look thin, stupid. I don’t want to be the fat girl, I could just cry that I’ve done this to myself yet again. I hate it but do you know what I wanted as soon as I left that changing room… Food… food and some more food… Not the good kind like you have on P2, P3 and should have P4 but the crap kind… The kind that makes you shut off from the world and at that moment, where there is no fat people, there aren’t any skinny people, there are no worries, there is only that food and you for that point in time, I wanted it so bad…

That voice inside my head is an arsehole, please excuse the language but it is. How can I loathe myself that much and yet want to punish myself even more by eating the crap food that got me this way? Human nature maybe, an addiction to foods maybe… I don’t know but I do know that I didn’t cave…. I’m sitting here typing this and having a strong black coffee and it’s helping, typing this is helping… That voice in my head can piss off I’m NOT giving in this time, I can do it, one minute at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time… I will get to where I want to be. That is it…

Menu today –

  • Snack – Coffee
  • Lunch – Cottage Cheese Smoothie with Strawberries and Spinach
  • Snack – Spinach and strawberry smoothie (had half cup for lunch and half cup for snack) – I did go rogue and added some raw cacao but I’m going to class this as a spice…
  • Dinner – Dirty rice AKA cabbage and beef
  • Snack¬† – Apple and herbal tea.

P.S 300g down today.

 

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